Tom thinks he is successful and on the right track, he is both and neither.  As life is want to do, it does not go in straight lines and life throws him for a loop.  Tom stubbornly thinks he has the answers, despite Catherine’s return.  Yet through patience and some serendipity, Catherine guides him back to the path. 

God’s Guidebook to Purpose, Meaning and Joy

…as taught by an angel

Act on this word. If all you do is listen to it, you are deceiving yourselves.

 James 1:22

Backstory

***

Your faith rests not in the wisdom of men but on the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2:5

***

My life has been forever altered by the help of an angel.  It sounds strange saying it out loud and it was strange early on, but eventually became completely normal.  Truly, I suggest everyone could use the help of an angel. 

As a struggling first-time manager of a newish construction team at Old First Bank, in fear of losing my job, I had tried everything and nothing had worked including logging large numbers of hours of work.  The monthly production report, which showed me perpetually ranked last among my peer group of the bank’s 35 Commercial Business Banking teams, was a constant source of stress.  One day in an effort to relieve pressure and clear my mind, I wandered several blocks away from my office to the Coffee Gathering, a small coffee shop in Denver that had previously gone unnoticed by me.

It is there that change began in the form of a coffee server, who turned out to be an angel named Catherine.  Now she did not come right out and say that, but over time her divine origins became apparent.  I was skeptical of how a coffee server could teach me anything about managing and banking.  On top of being desperate and considering coffee as one of the four main food group, what ultimately convinced me was her way worked.

***

a hidden wisdom.  God planned it before all ages for our glory.  1 Corinthians 2:8

***

What was her method?  Not miracles, but the bible.  She preached and I practiced principles directly from scripture.  Without repeating them all, the foundation of her logic was straightforward.  First, God designed the universe, no debate from me here.  Second, embedded in the design are unseen but practical physics impacting all areas of life and work, some questions from me here.  Third, the physics are revealed not in the form of mathematical formulas, but principles, behaviors, actions hidden in plain sight within its stories.  Apply these, and good things happen.  It is that simple.  

Let me take a step back.  Many people know the bible as a wisdom book, but at the same time limit its message to rules of moral right and wrong.  A theology of salvation.  This was my camp.  In no way did I see how it offered anything in the way of instruction on living in the modern world – other than areas of morality.  Which even there seemed to need some updating.  Afterall, it is the story of ancient people who are, well ancient.  Right!  On the infrequent times I read the bible, nothing in scripture stood out as relating to the hard knocks of business.  To name just a couple topics missing from the bible; what did the bible know about the regulatory dictums of government or the strict mandates of the bank’s Credit Administration department? 

***

Yet evidence turned out to be counter to that viewpoint.  Without specific reference to those issues or any miraculous, instantaneous cures, following its principles, over the course of a year we went from last to first.  We became the number one producing group in the division.  That means we were first.  One may have known what that means, but I just enjoy saying it.

Catherine’s friendship was the bonus on top.  We joked, laughed, talked openly about life.  She set me on a better path, changing my life.  For that I am forever grateful.  Life was good.  And then one day Catherine was gone.  I still miss her. 

***

Preparing the Land

For the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine, but following their own desires, will surround themselves with teachers who tickle their ears.  They will stop listening to the truth and will wander off to fables.  

2 Timothy 4:3-4

Conversation with God

***

Let us call the girl and see what she herself has to say about it.  Genesis 24:57

***

It was roughly five years ago that God asked Catherine to help Tom in his career.  Since her return to heaven, she has been speaking with the newly arrived, following the lives of some people she met on earth and going deep into theology.   It should be said, Catherine enjoyed earth.  She was understandably curious when God invited her to meet. 

When the appointed time came, God was waiting for her in a quiet corner of the universe.  What she did not know, for God does not admit to having favorites, but down deep, Catherine was one of his favorite angels.  Despite being busy and more than a little occupied about many things throughout the universe, God felt the time is right for this meeting.   Standing peacefully, God looked around and saw how good it was.  (Genesis 1:12) He then turned to Catherine and spoke:  It is great to see you again.  Thanks for coming. Can we walk? 

Catherine: Back at you…great to see you, Lord.

She inwardly cringes at her cavalier response.  God does not seem to take offense.  He never does.

God:  The view is beautiful from here.  One can quite literally see millions of galaxies.  From such a small beginning, it has grown so much.  Please tell me Catherine, what have you been up to lately? 

Catherine:  A little of this, a little of that.   

God:  Anything specific?

Catherine:  You know…checking up on a few people.  Gauging the situation. Things are changing.

God:  And now that change is happening faster.  Too fast for some.

Catherine:  It will all be fine.  Right?

God:  One way or another, given enough time, things have a way of working themselves out.  I guess. 

Catherine:  That answer does not exude confidence.

God:  The situation is not ideal.  I am a bit puzzled by what is happening on earth. 

Catherine is not expecting God to confess to being puzzled.  After one gets past the whole intimidation of God as omniscient, you realize God deeply feels the distress that is occurring on earth.  Thankfully He also has a lot of insight.  Duh.  With this in mind, Catherine takes the direct approach:  Why am I here?

God:  You are here because, among other wonderful qualities, I value what you have done.  I am curious of your ideas as to the earthly goings-on.

How does one respond when God compliments you.  The best Catherine can say is, ‘Ummm.  Thanks.’  But she gathers herself, continuing, ‘I appreciate that, but we both know I don’t have any insight you don’t have.  What’s up?’

This brings a knowing smile to God:  Direct you are.  Okay, I have my worries about the direction humanity is taking.

Catherine:  Is this about Tom? 

God:  It is not about Tom, or at least not about Tom any more than any other human.

Catherine:  That is not exactly a comforting answer.

God:  The issue is larger than Tom.

Catherine:  It sounds like it includes Tom. 

God:  I did not ask you here to talk about Tom’s issues.

She decides not to press the matter, yet.  Rather, Catherine:  Then what’s the issue?

***

Takeout Food

Where carcass lie, vultures gather.  Matthew 24:28

***

God:  We have a crisis brewing that is morphing across all demographics, indifferent to age, gender, ethnicity, geography or socioeconomic level.  40% of youths have suicidal thoughts.  The number of people without a best friend has increase 400%.  1 in 4 adults are chronically lonely.  People spend 60% less time socializing.  Depression is a leading cause of illness. 

Catherine has not seen God so worked up since Sodom and Gomorrah, Catherine: The earth has been through difficulties before, why such concern now? 

God: 75% of all food served by restaurants is take out.

Catherine:  And that is a problem why?

God:  I am not saying it is the largest problem, but this single shift is at the same time a cause, a symptom and a consequence, pushing people towards a life of meaninglessness and despair.

Catherine:  I am missing the connection to take out food.

God:  Communal meals was one of Christ’s favorite parts of being human.  Where do people now gather to share, to enjoy, to learn, to empathize, to bond?  The answer is they don’t.’ 

‘There is something fundamentally wrong when people are more connected to others around the world, yet don’t know their neighbors.  This is not a trite observation; it is a fact: people literally don’t know their neighbors.  Add in the world’s love for instant gratification: Instant facts.  Instant meals.  Instant diets.  Instant riches.  Instant relationships.  And you have removed community from daily life.’

‘Also, did you know economist actually rate a country’s prosperity based on having elevated levels of obesity, diabetes and heart attacks?  Think of that, it is an upside-down world when unhealth is a measure of progress.’

‘None of this is helped by a population over stimulated by algorithms that amplify on a moment-by-moment frequency, pushing extreme divisive, generally one sided and inaccurate rhetoric and images to billions, creating at the same time a continual circle of desire, feelings of inadequacy and rage. The current generation did not invent these ills for there has always been forces pulling people away from purpose.  However, with all the so-called advances, changes, available vanities, and general confusions, those very ills have been amplified to the point of overwhelming.’

‘Finally, in this ever-mirroring-comparative zero-sum world, people don’t want to help their fellow human for fear of falling behind, further dooming any chance of community.  It is a generational shift with unhealth being sky high and growing on both the individual and societal levels.’

‘And now you should understand why 75% of all restaurant orders being take out is bad.’ 

***

Two-sided equation

Faith by itself, if it does not result in action, is dead.  James 2:17

***

Catherine: I don’t know what I can do about that.

God: Before we talk about what to do, let’s talk about what not to do.  Let’s not spend more time bashing the world’s problems.  Technology, independence, abundance, comforts, freedoms, even the quest for quicker, easier and more, have their benefits and they are here to stay anyway.  There will always be temptation, pulling one away from one’s true path.

Catherine: Time to update, maybe add a few commandments…put rules around modern conveniences?

God: I certainly recommend following the commandments, but they only help you stay on the path to purpose.  They are not meaning, happiness and purpose.

Catherine: Religion?  Is religion the missing ingredient? 

God:  Again, I certainly recommend religion and when practiced well, it is a solution.  But unfortunately, there are too few in the pews.  Delivery to a wider audience is needed.

Somewhat sarcastically, Catherine:  So what, preach the Word on street corners?

God: No preaching at all.

Catherine: I am confused.

God:  Theology is not a litmus test to achieving purpose…purpose is available to all.  But at the same time, the bible does point to the inside track to a life of purpose. And as always, Christ set the perfect example, He taught them the message in a way they could understand.  Mark 4:33

Catherine: But you just told me you don’t want me preaching.

God: I said don’t preach; but live by being examples to the flock. (1 Peter 5:3)

Catherine:  How?

God: That is the right question.

Catherine: What is the right question?

God: How?  Start at the other end of the equation, which is How.

Catherine: Other end of what equation?

God: It is said a person with a big enough Why will find their How.  But that presupposes people know their Why.  Fortunately, the formula works in reverse: How finds Why. 

Catherine: Shouldn’t we first define Why so I know if I get the right answer?

God:  It is not a single answer. It varies by person, place, circumstances and time.  Some assembly is required.

Catherine: Assembly without a definitive answer.  That could go terribly wrong. 

God: While there is not a single answer, there is a finite set of variables with the right How’s leading to many correct and possible Whys. 

Catherine:  Sounds complicated.

God:  Uncomplicate it.

Catherine: And this is all in scripture.

God: In plain sight.

Catherine: Any hints beyond in plain sight?

God:  Focus on doing’s that were once core to peoples’ daily lives, yet people are no longer doing.  Find those and you have found the answer.

Catherine: Even if I were not totally confused, which I am, this does not change the fact that I still don’t know what I could possibly do against such a global crisis.

God: Believe me…small steps can be the start of great things. 

***

Tom’s role

You for your part, must remain faithful to what you have learned and believed because

you know who your teachers were. 

2 Timothy 3:14

***

Catherine knows God does not give pat answers.  Sometime understanding requires time.  And that is where God is leaving her, to sit in the question for her to figure out.  She decides to move on: Is this where Tom comes into the picture?

God:  He would not be my first choice.

Catherine: Why?

God: He is deep in the middle of a global, first world affliction. 

Catherine:  Which is?

God:  The Tenth Commandment.

Catherine:  Thou shalt not covet?  I would not have guessed.

God:  Neither does anyone else.  I hear from billions upon billions each day, asking for forgiveness for many things, and never ever do I hear anyone asking for absolution for coveting – the desire for more.

Catherine:  Well, having a commandment tied to it implies it has been around awhile.

God:  True.  But modern ways have enabled chasing more to become its dominant culture and Tom is deep in it.  Confusing success with the accumulation of possessions, titles, fame and the like, forever chasing a carrot that is always being dangled but all so slightly out of reach. 

Catherine:  The healthy do not need a doctor; sick people do. (Luke 5:31)

God:  You are correct.  However, he is also, how do I say this - enjoying his success.  His progress has been stifled by the cares and riches and pleasures of life. (Luke 8:14)

Catherine: Again, an age-old problem making him not unique.

God:  Again true, but what is the human phrase, Tom is not always right, but never in doubt.  A bit of ego inflation he has, certain in his ways, to the point of always learning but never able to reach a knowledge of truths. (2 Timothy 3:7)

Catherine: He is a proven success story. 

God: Success and possessions are blessings, unless they come to own you.  Tom is no longer that open, searching neophyte.  He will resist, making his timeline not necessarily our timeline. 

Catherine: The worldly take more initiative than the other-worldly when it comes to dealing with their own kind (Luke 16:8) I could use his help.

God:  I do not want to reveal the future, but must add, Tom is about to go through some tough times.  Nothing uncommon. 

Catherine: But he will be fine?

God: Again, he will be fine.

Catherine:  Which sounds like many.

God:  This is bigger than Tom.

Catherine:  Two are better than one: they earn a far greater reward for their toil.  And if one should fall, his companion will help him up.  How pathetic is the person who is alone and falls and has no one to assist him to his feet (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) We have shared stories that make us stronger together.

God:  Still true.  I am not naïve…I know your preferences and have always known your preferences. 

Catherine:  So you are Okay with Tom?

God:  Yes, I just wanted you to be prepared.   To know the risks.  Now, do not be afraid and say hello to Tom for me.  You got this.

Catherine:  I got this.

With that, the conversation concluded despite Catherine not really knowing What or How this is that she’s got other than faith in God.

***

Parable of the Rich Fool (Luke 12: 15-21)   

A man may be wealthy, but his possessions do not guarantee him life.

Luke 12:15

***

The Rise

***

He told them a parable in these words:  There was a rich man whose land yielded a good harvest. 

Luke 12:16

***

Initially after Catherine’s departure, I continued to visit the Coffee Gathering in hopes of seeing her, but those ventures out of the office soon faded.  I learned to satisfy my caffeine cravings sitting at my desk.  It isn’t bad really – the coffee that is.  Modern packaging and new age coffee machines are benefits of modern technology, making quality coffee quickly available at the push of a button. 

As life is want to do, life got busy.  The first to go was my 5-10 minute morning ritual, which included reading a short section of scripture, mindful deep breathing, and prayer. 

This is not to say Catherine’s teachings and what I learned from scripture were forgotten.  Those principles were the foundation of my efforts, unconscious habits that more or less became ingrained rules into how I managed.  Yet, I knew what I needed to know, I had it down, I did my own thing and did not feel it essential to continually reference the bible. Much of my day was on autopilot. Rinse and repeat.  While the hours were long, I was still a regular on the group’s softball, golf or bowling teams.  And, a couple times a month, I made the hour plus drive north to see my parents and friends.   

***

Expansion

***

He debated with himself: ‘What am I to do?  I have not the space to store my harvest.’

Luke 12:17

***

My team got bigger with more success, moving to a floor of our own in downtown Denver; which came with an exterior window office with nice views, much better than my previous windowless sweat box.  Overtime, playing in the team leagues or visiting my parents happened less often due to me often being on the road seeing construction sites.

Also, the world of banking is rapidly changing.  My guess is the public has little recollection that before the year 2000, banks were only allowed to operate retail branches in one state.  Yes, you heard that right, one state.  Now that seems prehistoric.  Since then, banks have raced to add branches in as many states as feasible.  Indeed, the changed landscape made expansion a semi-essential strategy and Old First Bank did not want to be left behind. 

Headquartered in Denver, prior to 2000, Old First Bank served only Colorado through about 50 branches across the state.  Since then we expanded mostly through mergers with small banks who were finding it hard to compete.  Now our presence is in 10 states (CO, UT, AZ, NV, Mont, WY, ID, NM, KS & a sliver of TX) with roughly 400 branches.  This may sound like a lot of branches, but it gives us relatively spotty coverage compared to the big banks and dwarfed by the so-called megabanks. 

Is any of this pertinent to my story?  Yes.  Clarification coming later.

Another technicality that becomes pertinent is banks can structure their internal org-charts several ways.  One is along the line of specialists and another is generalists.  Old First Bank’s org chart is the former: meaning bankers align and report according to a narrow skillset or customer segment.  If it is not obvious, my group focuses exclusively on construction and real estate investment of any kind (homes, commercial, golf courses, etc.).  There are probably another 40+ specialty divisions in the bank.  These include divisions around retail, wealth management, corporate, auto finance, insurance, international, cash management, trust, institutional, professional services, micro-finance, home mortgage, merchant card, dealer finance, payroll…you get the idea.  If a banker in one of these groups uncovered a construction need for one of their customers, they refer it into our group and when we uncover non-construction needs we refer them back to them.  There is a distinction between groups that own their customers (business banking, retail, etc.) and product groups who don’t own customers (merchant card, home mortgage, etc.), but that technicality probably does not need to be understood at this time.  Also, there are non-customer-facing divisions, such as finance, compliance, marketing, human resources, credit administration, information technology, training and the like. 

Until later, last note of org chart clarification.  I am one of 35 area managers reporting into 1 of 4 regional managers who then report to one Executive Vice President, Mira, who heads the Business Banking Division.  As a point of reference, there is also a separate Corporate Division who does the same thing as our Business Banking Division, only to much larger customers at much larger dollar amounts.

However, I am a bit of an oddity within the Business Banking Division in three ways.  One, our small construction team came to OFB as part of a merger.   Having no construction group prior, Old First Bank stuck us in the Business Banking Division which is comprised of bankers call Business Bankers.  My team, consisting of bankers called Construction Specialists, is unique in that the other 34 teams are focused on business banking, which means they source, own, manage and serve the general needs of small to mid-sized business banking customers – deposits, numerous business services, and loans of all types, except construction loans.  Again, my team does one thing only - construction loans. 

Second, whereas Business Bankers work with only commercial/business entities, my team works with both commercial and consumer customers. 

Next, we are both a product group and a relationship management group.  What that means as a product group we offer our construction product to other groups and then upon construction completion return that customer to the originating group.  But, also as a relationship management team, we originate and own customers who are professional real estate operators as defined by their single source of income being from constructing, buying, investing, managing and selling properties (as opposed to a Business Banking customer such as a dentist or manufacturer who may buy or construct a building as a one off for their own use or as a secondary source of income).

Finally, Business Bankers are geographically confined.  One Business Banking office serves the needs of businesses in one market and one market only.  A large metro market as Denver may have 3 or 4 Business Banking teams to serve the thousands of businesses in their market.  Our team differs in that from our single Denver office the Construction Specialists process deals everywhere in the 10-state banking footprint because real estate professionals have projects across a wide geography. 

Later we will mention how other banks choose to organize around generalists where a banker owns a customer relationship and on their own process all service needs for their customers, regardless if it is construction, auto, foreign currency, etcetera.  But enough organizational talk for now. 

                                                                                 ***

Moving on. What is important to know is business is booming.  Then one day life got even busier with an invite to join Peter, the CEO of the bank, in his office, along with Mira, my division’s EVP.  Suffice it to say, I am not accustomed to hanging out with my boss’s boss and my boss’s boss’s boss…it has happened exactly never times.  No agenda was given.  Peter’s top floor, downtown office is larger (and cleaner) with nicer furniture than my Denver condo, and views for a million miles in all directions; I’m sure I could see both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.  I was acutely aware that his office was above my pay grade.  I liked it.

After quick small talk with a perfunctory job well done regarding my team’s performance, Peter gets to the point: ‘To satisfy Wall Street, we need to grow the bank faster.  That is why you are here.’

‘I’ll do my best to keep the bank a float.’  No one picks up on my dry humor; or some may say lack of humor.

Peter looks me in the eyes, ‘We want you to add teams in two locations, Kansas City and Phoenix.  We will test for six months to see if adding offices within our existing footprint is a viable strategy.’ 

  Over the next couple months, that is what I did.  The truth be told, it was fairly easy.  Pretty much plug and play.  The bank already has regional offices in both cities where various teams and divisions are located.  I secure a couple cubicles on a floor occupied by teams from the Kansas City Corporate Banking and Wealth Management groups.  In Phoenix, the space is with the back-office, non-customer facing Loan Ops processing teams.  Mixed into the timeframe I hire four Construction Specialists, two in each market.  Technically my existing Denver team already covered these markets.  But also, technically speaking, being a thousand miles away, we did not cover them well.  The good news is the bank had some name recognition and the real estate markets were strong. 

And grow we did.  The new bankers hit the ground running.  This is not to say they brought customer applications from their former banks, because that would be legally wrong.  But it is also not to say that, just maybe, each new hire had several prospects who were thinking about applying with their previous banks but did not get their paper work together in time; yet their applications were wonderfully complete and ready for submittal soon after the banker moved to Old First Bank.

The only hitch was some minor pettiness with Rich, the Corporate Regional SVP who manages teams that process real estate loans larger than those allowed by Business Banking credit policy.  Justifying it by the fact my team had no local physical presence, he sometimes approved his team processing smaller deals that should have gone to us.  He did not like sharing the marketplace with my new team and offered little help, even trivial stuff like ordering supplies, marketing material and the like.

Regardless, I had two new teams up and producing deals relatively quickly and, in the process, I became the only manager in the Business Banking Division responsible for multiple locations, another novelty that I am sure my peers were aware of.  It was easier than expected, other than requiring north of 20 plane flights in two months’ time.  Some trips required staying weekends to accommodate scheduled Friday afternoon Monday meetings.  Fortunately, the quiet of the hotels offered me a chance to catch up on work that I was falling behind on.  I quickly learned it does not take long to get tired of the all-too-common flight delay, rental car mix-up, or canceled interview.  This is the timeframe when my participation in the afore mentioned softball games, golf outings and parental visits in Fort Collins started to diminish.  I did not like it, but saw it as part of doing my job.

There were compensating factors.  The hotels were nicer than what I would pay for on my own.  I did take more than enough advantage of delicious food and drink on the company’s dime, all the while earning points on my credit card.  My Denver bankers became accustomed to management by phone; calls squeezed in between my various meetings. 

The routine did not seem to diminish our results, for as a team we still succeeded with 8 Construction Specialists and myself qualifying for the bank’s annual President Club’s Award Trips; wonderful events held at various first-class tropical resorts.  Again, places that are too rich for my wallet.  I am quite proud that compared to other groups in the bank, my team was over represented, something I am sure my peers noticed.  Also, over the years I have taken my mom as my date and she was impressed that the CEO knew my name.  My thinking being that the trip was a measure of consolation for me missing her birthday gathering that seemed to always coincide with me traveling.

***

Layers

***

This is what I will do, said he: I will pull down my barns and build them bigger. 

All my grain and my goods will go there.

Luke 12:18

***

The CEO waited barely 3 months, not the afore prescribed 6 months, to call the next meeting.  I was reasonably confident as both Kansas City and Phoenix were doing quite well.  The meeting was to be in the executive conference room.  When I arrive, I see not just Peter and Mira, but the heads of dozens of specialty divisions plus people from Corporate Properties, Information Technology, and Human Resources.  As it turns out, I am joining an in progress all-day executive strategy meeting.  I am now more nervous than confident.

Peter does quick introductions and a recap of the timing, expense, and revenue gain due to the two new construction offices.  Without stopping, he turns to me, asking me to immediately do the same in Las Vegas and Boise and if other divisions want to add offices in those markets, contact me.  A couple indicate interest.  Peter goes on to say, after that I am to add offices in Salt Lake City and Albuquerque.   Again, still within existing bank footprint.  The same couple managers express interest.        

To this point, I am feeling pleased to be at the adult table, sitting with the CEO and division heads talking about the growth of my team and how they are welcome to put bankers with me in the new locations. 

And then Peter says, ‘I am also tasking Tom to open offices in Des Moines, Little Rock and Dallas/Fort Worth.  He will lead the logistics for all of you if you want to partake.’  For point of emphasis, none of these are within the existing footprint.  They are markets where we have zero presence and zero name recognition.  To this announcement several attendees do in fact appear surprised; then there was a full hour of animated talk about the cities, the best locations, types of buildings, sizes of offices, people to contact, number of personnel, support staff and by the way, could I find them head hunters in each market.  Everyone agreed to meet again in a month to review the progress; which ultimately equates to me reporting on my efforts because I was the only person there with any tasks.

I did not know it then, but my life changed that day.  New offices within the existing bank footprint: easy.  Out of footprint: not easy.  I must learn the markets, the competition, the good and not good locations, interview personnel, negotiate leases, etcetera.   That is time consuming, but not the hard stuff.  More challenging is making any site bank qualified.  Bank regulators take security very, very seriously; and rightfully so.  Stuff like Information Technology, storing customer financial information, security in and out of the sites, vetting of vendors and even how mail can be sent, must be built from scratch.  These logistics are big and complicated.  Seriously, I am to find out it is like building Fort Knox.  And these sites won’t even handle cash. 

Add to that every person in that room has strong opinions of what the locations should be.  It will be herding cats.  Worse, pernickety senior management cats.  Oh, and I still had a construction group to manage. Before that day, the long hours reduced my personal time.  The new project eliminated whatever personal time I had remaining.   Henceforward my days and nights are a continuous stream of distracting tugs and pulls requiring immediate attention.  All communication to the outside world is from airports, hotel rooms and rental cars while jumping around in three different time zones.  Whether I enjoy the travel or not is irrelevant, it just is.  Increasingly I do not return to Denver during weekends.  I recognize that I am losing control of my life, but it is expected.  It is part of rising up, right? 

***

After a couple months have passed, Peter and Mira invite me to dinner at a fine dining downtown Denver establishment.  I should be thrilled at the recognition, but it actually disrupts my schedule, forcing me to fly back to Denver for one night and out again the next day.  They instruct me to divide my territory in to three regions.  To hire three managers who will report to me.  That I am officially elevated to an SVP and now one of the 5 Regional Managers reporting directly to Mira.  It comes with a pleasant raise and even more pleasant stock options.  Finally, keep up the good work.  I should note the meal was one of the best I ever had, something I could get accustomed to.

In the cab ride back to my office I am basking in my noteworthiness.  The good feelings are forgotten when I see 20 calls & emails needing to be returned before days end, invitations to 2 conference calls tomorrow…and it is 9 PM.  Plus, tomorrow I am catching an early flight to Phoenix from where I will head to Dallas, then Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Kansas City, and then De Moines.  In between calls, each stop will be filled with breakfasts, coffees, lunches, dinners, drinks, interviews, office walk throughs, networking with property owners, and an occasional city official. 

To make room for the new Denver manager that I must hire and who will be sitting in my office, the promotion comes with a large office with a better view on a higher floor.  While in the same building, it is the first time I will not be officing with my team.  It is a floor where other regional managers for groups in Wealth Management, Corporate, Credit Card, FX and the like sit.   Again, there are compensating perks.  The kitchen is stocked with sodas, chips, goodies, desserts and snacks.  For free. And the coffee somehow tastes better.  Maybe it is due to the ceramic mugs which feel way better than the disposable paper ones on the lower floors.  And my team does not randomly walk in, interrupting me.  Not that it matters, I am rarely in my office.

One particular trip has me leaving Dallas, returning to Denver Saturday morning and flying to Kansas City on Sunday night for a Monday morning appointment of some sort.  There is always pressure insuring any and all deals go well.  However, this is the first time that I feel non-production related anxiety.  I don’t know why, for life is going good.  I decide to cancel my attendance at a friend’s Saturday night gathering and reroute away from Denver and just park myself for the weekend in Kansas City.  Much more efficient.  I determine then and there that I must look for a place in Kansas City.  It makes sense since I will be on the road a lot.  

***

New Home

Then I will say to myself, ‘You have blessings in reserve for years to come:

Relax, eat heartily, drink well, and enjoy yourself.’

Luke 12:19

***

Life is a blur…a blur from the road. 

Soon after opening and staffing new offices in Las Vegas and Boise, I am able to secure leases for offices in Oklahoma City and De Moines that pleases, or at least quiets most of the division heads.  But this does not mean Oklahoma City and De Moines are ready to open, this will take another 6 months; now it is Corporate Properties turn to prepare the sites for occupancy.  I set about interviewing in those markets, continue searching in Dallas and start looking for offices in Albuquerque and Salt Lake City.

In my spare time, which equates to weekends away from Denver, I buy a condo in Kansas City; which for the record is in Kansas City, Missouri and is across the Missouri River from its smaller sibling city of Kansas City, Kansas.  It is all very confusing to me.  No matter, they can call it what they want, the condo is in a downtown, very old, newly converted brick building that was formerly home to one of the mid-west’s largest producers of forged steel products.  In the entry foyer, a massive 20 foot tall, many tons archaic looking hydraulic press speaks of this past and now serves as art.  My unit has high ceilings, exposed duct work, large windows, reclaimed timber beams, and open concept living; it is cool.  Does that make me cool by default?  Anyhow, all of which are a perfect fit for my exceedingly large new television.  The place makes my Denver place suddenly seem frumpy.  I am told the building also has an exercise room, which I have not frequented it yet.  The bank had a low doc lending program for employees that helped make the purchase happen so fast that I own it before I remembered to tell my parents I was even looking.  

It is early Saturday morning, I am sitting on my small, eclectic wrought iron balcony overlooking the cityscape, enjoying a coffee.  Oh yeah, I must mention I bought a really nice coffee machine that makes all kinds of specialty brews, a crucial investment in my mind.  I no longer need to waste time going out for coffee, which I did not need to before but now it serves as justification.  It only took a click of a button and happened due to a late-night whim. 

It is then that Peter calls:  You are not going to win President’s Club this year.

This is disappointing, less because I have worked so hard and more due to the notion that Mom has started to count on them for her birthday gift.  It has turned into our thing.

After a pregnant pause, Peter: I did a re-org.  The Construction Group is no longer part of the Business Banking Division.  You are now officially the Construction Division.  A standalone division.   As such, you automatically attend President’s Club, not as a recipient, but as a division manager presenting the honor to qualifying Construction Specialists from your own division.  And when you have time, you can move into an office at headquarters.

It takes a moment to realize this is his clever way of congratulating me that I am being promoted.  That Mira is no longer my boss, but my peer.  And Mom can still come as my guest.

Peter:  We can’t make you an EVP because you have not been an SVP long enough.  But given the time and the effort you have put in on the expansion, your future looks bright.  Well done. 

Click.

I said barely ten words in the minute long conversation.  Not having spoken to my parents in several weeks, that night I call to inform them of my good fortune.  They are happy for me, but the conversation again drifts towards how long it has been since they have seen me and ends with the question when will they see me next; to which I don’t have an answer.  That night to celebrate, I splurge on a nice dinner, delivered piping hot to my door step.  I open my premium bottle of whiskey for the occasion; even pouring it over a uniquely large, round ice cube I made from a special mold.  I got the idea from a magazine.  I’m not sure it made the whiskey taste better, but it contributes to me again feeling cool.  It is great.  It could be greater if I knew someone to share my good fortune with, but that can wait until I get that EVP title.  Nonetheless, I decide to restock my nearly empty premium bottle of whiskey, ordering online.  The site includes a wide selection of choices, all with wonderful pictures and a history of each brand.  Instead of one, I end up buying several different types and vintages.  It is easy and for only a slight extra charge will be delivered tomorrow.  I would have sent some to my Denver condo, but I am never there to receive it.

When not working or watching television, I sometimes spend weekends searching stores for furniture and other household items to classily furnish my new place.  I finish off the detail items through late night online shopping.  It is all so convenient.  Though I have few kitchen items because I generally order in, the place came together nicely, soon looking like something out of a designer home catalogue.  Mom and Dad will be proud when they see what I have put together.

For no known reason, while drinking a cup of coffee and in a taxi to the airport, for the first time in many moons I think of Catherine.  How proud I think she would be of me?  How right she was about…well everything really.  It is all working out.  If she could see me now.  I do feel sadness that it had been so long since I thought of her, our friendship and her wisdom.  The glow of the moment lasts until swallowed by delays at the airport. 

***

Mergers

***

But God said to him, ‘You fool, this very night you must surrender your life; and the money you have made, who will get it now?’

Luke 12:20

***

Like in Denver, I have an office on a different floor than where the specialists sit.  The people on my floor are also senior managers on the go.  We are cordial to one another, but we don’t hang together outside office hours.  Everyone everywhere is busy. 

I did not expect to be in this position, but it worked out that way.  Instead of working deals with the Construction Specialists, I meet mostly by phone with my 3 regional managers who now do most of the daily heavy lifting and problem solving.  After years of managing one team in Denver, I have taken for granted the amount of knowledge transfer that naturally flows from being in one location through team meetings, casual office interactions or after hour events.  The new markets had none of this.  And, to state the obvious, they have no generational wisdom to lean on.  I spend extra time preaching to them managers the need to create teamwork.

The Denver bankers have become accustomed to my absence.  Which results in those bankers no longer inviting me to their after-hour gatherings.  The only time they contact me is if they want tickets to Broncos, Rockies, Nuggets or Avalanche games.  Oh, did I forget to mention that as an SVP of a Denver based bank, I had season tickets to Denver’s professional sports teams.  People liked me for that reason.  Well, I am pretty sure there were other reasons, but free tickets is one of them.

***

One morning I awake in another undistinguished hotel room in another undistinguished city, vaguely remembering a dream I had.  The basic premise is that organizationally speaking, I am closer to the CEO position than I am to my first job with the bank.  Hundreds if not thousands of bankers know my name from some org chart or internal announcement.  And based on my current trajectory, in the dream many more will come under my control and whom I can impose my rule over them.

Yet that is not the part I am reflecting on as I lay there.  What has my attention is that I have fewer close friends in the bank than that first year as a new, unknown banker.  I am friendly with other SVPs I see on the road, but are they friends?  As for the construction team, at one time I was on the Construction Specialist’s bowling team.  Now, when I come to town, they schedule aways from bowling towards me hosting a happy hour where I buy everyone food and drink.  I have become an outsider.

I commit to reversing the trend by staying in Denver the next two weeks, with the secret thought of joining the team in bowling.   I may even visit my parents.  And at that moment I mean it.  How hard can it be?  I even write balanced life at the top of my to-do list, making it official.

My determination to spend time in Denver is not completely random, for Peter has scheduled a senior management conference for that week.  Being new to the gig, I am a bit nervous.  Also, maybe a little intimidated, for not only am I the new guy on the block but my team is far and away the smallest division with a grand total of less than 70 bankers.  In comparison, Retail (consisting of bankers who sit in the branches + support staff) is home to over 50,000 bankers. 

All my self-conscious concern is for naught.  In total there are maybe 100 people attending.  No one notices my presence.  I enter the conference completely unnoticed, heading directly to the food table – with its standard array of bagels, cream cheese, a couple of token pieces of fruit and coffee.  With food and java in hand, I sit at a table with people I vaguely recognize, but don’t know by name.

Within three minutes of calling the meeting to order, Peter announces, ‘The rumors are true.  We are merging with not one, but two banks.  One is headquartered in (wait for it) Little Rock and the other (you guessed it) Des Moines, plus a small presence in (wait for it) Dallas.’

The place goes quiet.  The financial news outlets had been reporting on several purported acquisition targets.  But I have largely ignored them because I have been busy and we are always rumored to be acquiring banks.  So, what is the big deal that everyone has to interrupt their schedules and be in Denver for the next two days?  The big deal is that each of these two banks are decidedly larger than any of our previous mergers. 

For the remainder of the day, interrupted only by a lunch break that offers mountains of sandwiches, sweet potato fries (I hear they are healthier than regular fries), salads, desserts and more, Peter adds substance to the mergers.  Banking regulations categorize banks by size – from small single branch community banks to the big five mega, too-large-to-fail banks.  Based on asset size and the fact we currently operate in 10 states with 400 branches, OFB is labeled a small regional bank.  To those totals, the mergers will add nearly 500 branches that operate in 8 new states (OK, AK, Miss, NB, IA, MO, ND, SD and an increased TX presence), categorizing us as a superregional bank.  Yes, this is an actual regulatory definition.  The designation has implications around compliance levels, lending limits, reserve requirements and other legal mandates; but what seems to drive executive management the most is the increased visibility by Wall Street.  As a superregional Old First Bank will be included in banking specific mutual funds, ETFs and Spiders.  Meaning, every time an individual or investment firm buys one of those investments, they will be buying a slice of Old First Bank; which should drive up the stock price and pleases everyone at the meeting. 

Peter concludes the first day’s agenda outlining the timing of the integration.  All banking mergers require regulatory approval, which can be quite lengthy in duration, often much longer than a year.  Much of the time is spent reviewing which branches can be closed to save on costs and justify the ROI we are paying.  Regulators and consumer advocates understandably don’t like this as it generally entails closures in smaller communities which are frequently the less profitable branches. 

 In addition to job losses, these same rural branches are the economic pillars of the communities and without them can leave entire communities, if not counties, un-banked.  To address this, Peter committed to the regulators that all acquired branches will remain open unless there is already an existing Old First Bank branch in the town (apparently there is an overlap of about 50 branches).  Furthermore, all bankers working in any branch that is being closed will be offered equal jobs in the remaining branch.  The regulators and activists really liked this commitment and agree to fast track the approval to merge.

The practical implication is the bank expects to complete due diligence and merge within six months.  Peter announces the formation of advance teams to complete all due-diligence and tackle all the integration logistics.  The team will consist of factions from all parts of the bank as operations, HR, facilities, and IT.

Then Peter announces that leading the charge for all the specialty divisions is ‘Tom.’  I could actually hear some people say ‘Who?’ and a few ‘Why him?’  Peter ends with, ‘Tomorrow we all gather back here where team leads will host breakout sessions to gather your ideas and feedback. I am guessing this will give everyone something to talk about at tonight’s dinner.  See you there.’

At the pre-dinner happy hour I may have spoken to all 100 attendees, certainly all the specialty division managers.  I know only a few of them by name.  They all now know my name.  It would have been handy to have a placard to hang around my neck reading ‘I had no previous knowledge of the assignment,’ for I have to repeat that to everyone.  They are all nice, offering to buy me a drink, which are free to begin with.

I am still amazed at the food and drink served at the senior management meetings; Mom and Dad would definitely ask how much it costs.  Well, I wonder the same.  It has to be a fortune.  It is fantastic, though it does seem other senior managers take it for granted, even complaining that the portion sizes are not large enough.  I just eat and drink up.   

The next day goes well as well.  I am not actually responsible for completing the due-diligence for the various divisions around staffing needs, product differences, credit policy adjustments and the like.  My role is to gather the pertinent information, visit the numerous hubs, and work with the other integration team members on resolutions to issues.

Before driving to my parents for the weekend, I visit my new office in the bank’s headquarters building that I have yet to occupy.  It comes with a small adjacent conference room.  The kitchen comes with not only the free snacks of the regional building, but an on-site chef to make you food whenever and for free.  Theoretically an on-site chef is more cost effective than the constant catering orders needed for all the meetings going on.  I don’t know about cost savings, but it is cool.  And get this, the fridge is stocked with wine and beer.  Again, for free.  I could get used to this, and take some for the road.  I also make a quick stop to buy a bottle of nice whiskey for Dad, stuff he would never buy for himself.  Well, stuff for Dad and me. 

My parents are thrilled to have me home for the weekend; I know this because they mention it a hundred times and ask an equal number of times how long has it been since I was last home.  I am sure they are proud of my promotion despite only mentioning that once.  Mom and Dad retired last year and are readying their house to sell in order to move to a new house in a retirement community on the outskirts of town.  Both move slower than in my memory, which is frozen at the time I was in high school.  That weekend I help them fix things, pack things and plan things for their move.  I have tons of stuff in their house that I have not touched in eons, what am I to do with it?  My Denver condo is already full and none of it matches my Kansas City décor. 

The invite to my high school reunion arrives that weekend.  I missed the last one as I was struggling with my career and felt none too proud about my status in life at the time.  I had not seen many of my closest high school friends in years.  People I grew up with.  Something inconceivable a decade ago.  A dark feeling wafts through me at the thought.  In a moment of nostalgia mixed with a tinge of bravado I respond Yes to attending and mail it pronto. 

The weekend with Mom and Dad is good, despite not being able to touch base with any friends.  I must get back.  The drive to Denver is all about quiet sentimentality, I again resolutely commit to visiting Mom and Dad more frequently and promise myself to even call a friend or two next time there. 

After parking my truck, walking up the stairs, plopping down on my sofa, ordering food, for some unknown reason my perfectly good television bugs me.  It is not as big or clear as my Kansas City television.  I nearly order a bigger one then and there. Again, I don’t pull the trigger because I do not know when I will next be in town to take the delivery. 

Something else catches my attention - my bible.  Covered by a thin film of dust, my well-worn bible that sits solidly on a speaker, appearing to be almost begging to be read.  Catherine would be disappointed that I am more focused on a new television than reading the bible, which I have not read in a while.  How could I, I don’t even have one in Kansas City.  The image of the bible sticks with me from my doorstep until I park at the bank’s headquarters for a meeting.  My less than new small pickup stands out in the parking lot, and not in a good way.  All previous thoughts are replaced with the urgent need for a new luxury auto.  If I can buy a condo in a weekend, buying a car must be easier.  I add research the bank’s auto loan program to my to-do list.

An hour into Monday morning, any notion of friends, family televisions and cars are all but forgotten.  The day is choked full of preparation to flyout early tomorrow with no specific return date set.  It is all merger related and has nothing to do with helping my construction team do their jobs. 

  If it is possible I am now working more, maybe 25/7.  Nothing terribly difficult, just very time consuming.  Nonstop travel.  Nonstop airport delays.  Nonstop conference calls.  Nonstop site visits.  Nonstop busyness.  It isn’t all bad.  I drive through parts of the country I have never been before and meet good people, even if it is only for an hour at a time.  And the food.  During the day, in meetings with bank managers it is mostly the same fast food that is ubiquitous anywhere I go.  However, in the evenings, I hit the local favorites where the food and drink are better.  Day and night there is an unlimited supply of calories.  I am not going to starve on my travels.

This is the point where I try to make the discussion of OFB’s Org Chart pertinent.  Remember, OFB is structured along specialty lines-of-business, with bankers reporting up through a hierarchy that does essentially one thing.  I discover this is in contrast to how both merger Bank A (Des Moines) and Bank B (OKC) are structured, which is the generalist approach.  Retail, which basically equates to all branches, does pretty much everything for their customers.  What this means, if a retail banker uncovers a need for an auto loan, a small business line of credit, an international wire, etc., the branch banker pretty much takes care of the request.  Decisions are made within the region.  This includes construction loans.  Their processes work fine, but Old First Bank’s specialist system will generate a whole lot more loans, a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more efficient.  Maybe a little confirmation bias going on, but it is what I believe.

My efforts, and the efforts of most of the other OFB senior managers, are concentrated around what personnel talent exist in the branches that we can pull into our specialist system.  In other words, I am handpicking the best bankers into my division.  Because I am project lead, the unwritten rule is I have priority selection.  Maybe even building my empire.

At the same time and without being too specific, the CEO calls, hinting more growth is on the way and directs me to explore half a dozen locations on the eastern seaboard.  He asks me to keep it quiet.  Thus, in addition to traveling to a hundred plus locations as part of the merger due diligence, I fit in a couple trips to big cities in the east.  This introduces me to a whole new level of extravagance and luxury.  I am introduced to things I did not know existed, but now want.  I am never hungry or thirsty as big city power players, those wooing me to sign a lease in their buildings, ply me with fantastic meals and rare, spirited beverages.  The hotels are much nicer, with the cost of their mini-bar items nearly more expensive than the cost of the hotels I stay in during my travels to rural branches.  I am comped tickets to several Major League Baseball games.  I do however pay for the team hats I buy at each game, well OFB does.  The rewards of an SVP expense account.  Maybe I will start a hat collection.

***

Released

***

That is how it is with the man who piles up treasure for himself and remains a pauper in the sight of God.  Luke 12:21

***

In my travel absence, the Construction Division is doing well as measured by loan volume, which is really all that matters.  The merger is proceeding as expected.  And, with the finalization of the merger eminent, the financial news stations are mentioning our bank; speculating what is going to be OFB’s next acquisition?  Due to my recent travels, I’m thinking something on the east coast.  With the wind in our sails, the sky is the limit?  My limit as well. 

On the infrequent occasions I am not traveling, I mostly stay in Kansas City, conveniently located in the center of my travels.  I do not venture out much, meaning I work a lot on the weekends.  But I do start researching new cars, I go so far as to ask for quotes from a few dealerships.  In the midst of my busyness, I send a couple of selfies to friends, promising to take them to a Denver Rockies game when I am next in town.  For Mom’s birthday I send her a box of European chocolates.  For Dad’s, I order a new table saw.  It can do more than the one he has had forever.  Figuring he will like it better than the old one he has. All the while, sipping some of Kentucky and Scotland’s finest from new crystal glassware.

Then, while sitting in an airport reviewing some lease proposals, I get a call from someone in OFB’s Finance Department.  This is quite unusual.  She tells me not to sign any leases for new office space.  It isn’t really a conversation or a debate, more of an edict.  Hmmm.

Later that evening, an invite arrives to another meeting scheduled for the upcoming Friday in Denver.  It will be good to get back; it has been a while.  Maybe I will visit Mom and Dad that weekend.  I think Peter trusts me, for he has not asked for updates lately.  The invite list includes mostly specialty managers and many other senior people.  But not all. I am ready to report that the Construction Division is primed for growth.  A best in-class juggernaut.  People will know this from the reports.

And that leads me to the present and where the earlier discussion of org structure differences switches from academic to actually mattering…to me at least.  The net-net is that the new larger merged bank, does indeed need bankers who do construction, they just do not need bankers who do only construction in a standalone Construction Division.  Or me. 

As part of the merger negotiations and to keep Wall Street happy, it is believed greater operational efficiency should result from the combined, larger bank.  Read cut cost by reducing overhead.  To this end, the executive management team decided to make some concessions and apparently, I am a concession.  I and another couple hundred or so managers in this room are overhead.  The go forward org structure will be the generalist model and organizing by specialty goes away. 

In the merged banks the remaining three customer facing divisions are Corporate, Wealth Management and Retail (the branches).  The result is my and other specialty divisions go away, with customer facing bankers in those disbanded specialty divisions folding into either Corporate, Wealth Management or Retail.  I have nowhere to land for logically, there is no need for managers of divisions that will no longer exist. 

Henceforward, if any banker finds a specialty deal, they won’t refer it to a separate division, they will process the request themselves.  In some sense it makes sense.  Customers don’t want their loan requests sent across country to be decisioned in a centralized office by people they don’t know and who don’t know them.  But I am not ready to admit this logic quite yet.

After doing all those supposedly great things for the bank, it turns out I am not a wonder-kid. My future isn’t bright.  I am an expendable cost line item.  Unessential.  Disposable.  Along with the others in the room, I am out of a job.  I have been fired.  It is unfair.  Is it possible they deserve it and I don’t? 

In a matter of minutes, my empire building is finished.  Where did I go wrong?  I don’t pause to answer the question because I wish to be elsewhere. Suddenly, it is not a good day.

***

On Earth Again

The works the Father has given me to accomplish.  John 5:36

***

God pretty much left Catherine alone in her preparations as to how, when and where to integrate herself back into earthly society, but not entirely.  If one is allowed to say something God did was peculiar, then Catherine would say one ask of his was peculiar.  Angels are ageless, generally presenting themselves one way and sticking with it.  Previously hers was the form of a 40-ish year-old woman.  God asked Catherine to change it up slightly.  Not to that of a 45-ish year-old, which would be appropriate for someone who has not been around for 5 years.  Rather, God asked (is a request directly from God ever really an ask that should be ignored?) that she returns as a 65-ish year-old.  No explanation was given.

The practical implications of this, beyond being less spry, a dusting of gray hairs and having a few aches in the morning, is she cannot seamlessly slip into her former life.  Catherine loved working at the Coffee Gathering.  She knew all regulars by name.  Many became friends outside the café.  People with whom she would grab a dinner, go on walks, see a movie, play cards, and generally enjoy time together.  But while she had an outsized number of friends for being on earth only a year, less than a handful knew of her celestial family tree.  Which means returning to the same routine while having aged 25 years in just 5 years would drive questions, if not downright freak people out.  Bottomline, returning to the Coffee Gathering or hanging with past friends is out of the question.

One exception being Heather and Luis, wife husband owners of the Coffee Gathering, two people who know Catherine’s true origins.  Last time Catherine stayed in their Denver basement apartment, and is doing so again.  But she won’t be able to work at the Coffee Gathering or see old friends.  Basically, she is isolated with nothing to do other than contact Tom. 

She would have called him but did not have his number.  Numerous times she wandered thru the neighborhood of his condo.  She hung out at Denver’s 16th Street mall, a crowded open-air affair near his office where almost everyone seeking food passes through.  She visits a couple places he tended to frequent, mostly casual lunch and dinner hang outs. 

Now of course she could track down Tom’s number.  But as bold as Catherine was in front of God, and God’s tacit excitement of Tom’s involvement, it wasn’t exactly an endorsement.  Catherine has never tested fate by not following God’s Way to the letter of the law.  With this nagging thought in the back of her brain, rather than push the matter she thinks it acceptable to accidentally bump into him on the street.  It doesn’t sound like a great plan when framed that way.  Either way, apparently it is not going to happen for there is no Tom in sight.  Catherine decides to stop chasing the Tom angle.  After all, she did not know what the plan would be if she did accidently meet Tom.  What?  Lead with ‘Good to see you, I hear you were, are, or maybe soon to be depressed.  I can help, I just don’t know how.’  Another plan that doesn’t sound great when said aloud. 

She is struggling to find traction around what is her what, plus the sheer boredom of her do-nothing routine is wearing thin.  She must do-something, at which point Catherine asks Heather and Luis for help.  As small business owners they know other small business owners and soon she is working in a small craft store on the edge of downtown. 

***

Game vs Rules

***

If one takes part in an athletic contest, one cannot receive the winner’s crown unless one keeps the rules. 

2 Timothy 2:5

***

Working at the craft store is good in its own way.  The customer base is split between 50/50 first time walk ins and regulars.  The customers are interesting and, to state the obvious, crafty.  There is so much talent in humans.  A few regulars work kitty corner from the store at an Old First Bank branch.  Through gentle inquiry and maybe a little nosiness, Catherine learns they do not know Tom personally but have heard of him.  They often chat with Catherine about the news of the day, which mostly pertains to the mergers.   

Catherine misses the people bustle of the Coffee Gathering, but the intermittent slowness of the craft store gives her time to do other things.  Namely plan.  Whether or not God did tilt the playing field away from a collaboration with Tom, it is time to move forward.  But how?

She is hungry, walking home when she pops into a neighborhood restaurant, more a sports bar really.  One Tom had been known to visit; smiling to herself knowing she is still passively hoping for Tom’s help. The place is crowded, yet no Tom. Denver’s NBA basketball team, the Nuggets are on TV, well actually on about seven gigantic big screen TVs.  The only available table is far in the back. 

***

since no one will be justified in God’s sight through observance of the law;

the law does nothing but point out what is sinful.

Romans 3:20

***

The server arrives, asking what she wants.  Catherine has not even looked at the menu.  It is eight pages long.  ‘I’ll take a salad.’ 

The server doesn’t move, just stands there expectantly, ‘Which salad?’  And points to the menu. 

There are 12 different salads to pick from, all available in 3 size options.  Each with 5 options for types of protein or not.  Next are 10 dressing varieties which can be mixed in or on the side.  Plus, other upsell additions.  It takes a full five minutes to order salad #8, size medium with a balsamic vinaigrette on the side, no protein but yes to avocado.  Catherine thinks it is a lot of decisions for just having a salad.  More complicated than any single decision a person had to make on any given day 5,000 years ago. 

The mere act of ordering has her wondering if she has the worldly wisdom to pull this off.  Is learning the definition of every scriptural law enough?  Probably not.  There is so much going on in this world that is beyond academic analysis.  How to acquire experience?   More questions than answers.  This is uncharted territory for her. 

At that moment, everyone in the restaurant erupts with shouts, cheers and applause.  This may not be the right place to figure out life.  She looks around, all the patrons’ heads are turned toward the televisions where a player has just done a spectacular dunk.  They show it again, and even with her complete inexperience with basketball she concurs it is a spectacular dunk.  True artistry.

The game draws Catherine’s attention.  It is played by individuals as part of a team.  At that moment a player is called for a foul.  Apparently, players have not to exceed foul allotments, or they are ejected.  Fouls also hurt the team because they give the other team a free shot, or something of that nature.  Are fouls and commandments equivalents?  It is not the worst place to start.

At this point, the restaurant patrons again erupt at another magnificent play.  Even Catherine appreciates what the player does.

A different thread begins pulling on Catherine’s mind.  Something God said, namely, rules and by default commandments, are mere table stakes.  The minimum conditions to stay in the game.  Rules provide limits on how the game should be played, but after that it is the actions of the players that lead or don’t lead to success.  Players don’t succeed because they know the rules better than other players.  It is the other elements of a player’s game that makes them good.   

Similarly, thou shalt not commandments only get you so far in life.  Purpose involves doing.  Is this a celestial hint at a personal directive?  Catherine must start doing.  Since Catherine does not know enough about the game, she can only take the analogy of basketball as scripture this far.

Her salad arrives, which is ginormous.  Much bigger than anticipated or needed.  Content to relax, she eats as the restaurant patrons periodically erupt in synchronization with what the players are doing in the game.  The home team wins, she thinks. 

***

Coffee Gathering Again

I say to you, get up!  Take your mat with you, and return to your house.  Luke 5:24

***

God has many connections and offered Catherine re-entry points in any number of endeavors: education, politics, non-profits, medical care, clergy, etc.  As we know, she wanted to return to the Coffee Gathering.  Yet, returning to earth as a 65-ish year old put a halt to that plan.  She thought.

The Coffee Gathering owners, Heather and Luis, indicated a desire to semi retire in a year or two.  To that end, they bought a home in a retirement community roughly 60 miles from Denver and had asked Catherine if she would be interested in opening a second location there.  It would entail everything from finding the location to getting it up and running.  And she could live in their second home during this time as they remain in Denver operating the original Coffee Gathering.

Initially Catherine said no, preferring to stay where she was comfortable and thinking she would be leveraging Tom’s life in Denver.  Things change and so did Catherine’s decision.  It is time to create opportunity, not merely wait for it. The next day she gives 30-day notice at the craft store; though she does offer to stay longer if needed. 

***

Tom - Next 30 days

***

I tell you: even though he will not get up and give it to him because of their friendship, he will get up and give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.  Luke 11:8

***

Peter’s meeting did not end the instant I learned I was unwanted, but what I learned after that did not change the fact that I was fired.  We members of the soon to be unemployed society are told that the merger will be completed in 60-days’ time.  Until then, we are asked to be good soldiers by helping 1) the bankers who report to us transition from our discontinued divisions into banker positions in one of the three remaining divisions.  Remember, there are still jobs for the customer facing bankers, which include the Construction Specialists.  And 2), we own insuring that no customer is orphaned by mapping any and all customers into appropriately located banker portfolios.    

After that 60-day date, we are still fully on the company payroll for another 30 days, but we lose our systems access, authorities and offices.  Essentially, they don’t expect or want us to show up to work, believing we would be a distraction.  On this point, they are probably right.  As a carrot for acting like civilized adults, they will pay us a small bonus at the end.

With those fun facts hanging over us, the meeting ends.  Many go for drinks.  Some return to their offices to collect their stuff.  I go home to mope. 

***

Reunion weekend

Invisible realities.  Romans 1:20

***

Two days after being fired is my scheduled four-day visit to Mom and Dad’s; a weekend that includes attending my high school reunion.  Cancelling would be too suspicious.  When I committed to visit I was feeling a mixture of sentimental, aging parent nostalgia syndrome with a tinge of smug, SVP bravado attitude.  Not so much now.  Cutting to the chase, I told no one.  Technically this is not a lie for my last day is not for another three months.  That is my story and I am sticking to it. 

Other than hiding the fact that I don’t have a job in 90 days, the weekend is fun.  My parents are thrilled to have me home.  I do a lot of work around the house.  Dad has always been the fix-it guy with me as the willing lacky taking directions.  Though we did not come near finishing everything that needs to be done in order to put the house on the market, there is still time as their new home is several months away from completion.    

What to say about the reunion?  It was great seeing everyone.  Really great actually.  After initially latching on to only my closest friends, the rest of the night is spent branching out by mingling with dozens if not hundreds of people.  These are people who not only know my stories, they are in my stories.  Without divulging my career challenges, I discover that I am not the only one challenged by life.  People are quick to share their life’s ups and downs, be it career, relationship, health, and more.  I feel connection and I enjoy being part of the gang again.  But I am not yet ready to admit my struggles.

Fortunately no one asked about my hoity toity title so there was no need to give my canned, practiced response, with ‘It has its ups and downs’ being my go-to.  This is not to say there weren’t many conversations about real estate for apparently everyone is connected to real estate in some way; as a broker, investor, contractor, developer, HGTV viewer…or their family, friends, neighbors, or distant acquaintances of someone who fills one of these roles.  Everyone wanted my professional opinion.  Several took my contact information, including Julia.  She ran with a different crowd than me in high school: hers was the smart crowd, I won’t say what mine was.  She is an economics professor at the university in town.  Unfortunately, her parents passed away not too long ago and she is the sibling charged with managing some real estate they owned, including trying to re-invigorate an old strip mall on the edge of town. 

Despite being unemployed, it is my best weekend in many months, probably years.  I promise to stay in touch, including with those who asked for real estate ideas.  But internally I know I must find another job first before that is going to happen.  I am confident I can find a new job before anyone is the wiser that I lost my old job.  Which is important if I want to see my former classmates again.

***

Tying up loose ends at work

for no one who works a miracle in My name can soon afterward speak evil of Me. 

Mark 9:39

***

Life in the office on Monday was weird, solemn, massively depressing – you name it.  As I busied myself over the days it got less so.  Not a single peer called me, either fired or otherwise.  I did receive calls from everyone on my team, and Human Resources (whose call I ignored).  Each and every person offered to be a reference.  I very much appreciated the sentiment. 

The post-apocalypse days include lunches and happy hours with people who are soon to be former teammates (I might as well use the company credit card while it is still active).  Between food and drinks, my time was spent helping my team find new positions; most with Corporate, a few with Retail and a couple with Wealth Management.  The other task was mapping the Construction Division’s customers into banker portfolios within the remaining three divisions.  In my spare time, wanting to be helpful (and earn my separation bonus), without anyone asking, I put together what I consider a helpful guide detailing standard tracking reports, process documents, marketing materials, yada, yada, yada.  I receive a few calls, questions and thanks regarding the guide, but it is soon apparent no one really wants it.  They have their own ways or are too busy with daily dramas to care. 

By the end of week two the calls greatly diminish.  Bankers have jobs to do and I don’t.  I am damage goods.  Or that is how I see the situation.  On the following Monday, I sit in my office with nothing to do, literally zero to do, thankful I never moved to the headquarters building.  The next day I stay home.  No one notices.  From that day forward I stay home.    

***

There is one pestering outstanding item.  When we opened the new Phoenix office, to make a splash, we lent to an organic juice brand that was building its bottling plant in the Phoenix area. That is not the splashy part.  The part where we may have gotten too far over our skis is that we made a forward commitment to lend on his new processing facility for growing, sourcing and handling of raw material that goes into the juice.  The plant will be built in southern Nebraska.  A forward commitment is rare because it is an iron clad pledge to lend even if the world ends.  Due to the merger, the customer got a form letter stating he was being transferred out of his Construction Specialist’s portfolio to locations unknown.  Unknown because it fits no banker’s portfolio perfectly. 

From home, I call bankers asking them to take on the deal.  Corporate serves customers across states, but the deal is too small to warrant their cumbersome processes.  Retail is constrained to serving customers in a single market - with Nebraska and Arizona obviously being two separate markets.  And, Wealth Management does not have the expertise with business.  They don’t want to risk a complicated deal being their first.  It would be a mess. 

I keep calling bankers, looking for options, but so far, no takers.

***

Details about my severance package emerge.  Again, all fired managers remain on the pay roll for 90 days.  We can earn a small separation stipend if we are helpful, however that is defined no one knows.  A larger severance package is to be paid based on a formula with variables that include time as a senior manager, time as a manager of your division and number of people managed.  One can see where this is leading, as the newest manager of the newest and smallest division, I am going to be the least renumerated fired person.  If one could live on travel points, I would be doing well, but of course one can’t.  Don’t get me wrong, every little bit helps, but the numbers are shaping up to cover me for half a year; a year if I don’t do anything costly as buying food.

To add insult to injury, there is the reality that if I had not been promoted to division manager of the new Construction Division, I would have been mapped to one department or another and been financially ahead of where I am.  An objective assessment of the situation is, this sucks.

For the first time in a long time I say, ‘Lord I need you. Please help.’  I now say it frequently.

***

Emotional step ladder

***

Remember the height from which you have fallen.  Revelation 2:4-5

***

Bored

How long will you lie down, lazy man? When will you get up from your sleep?  Proverbs 6:9

***

One thing is highly unusual in my new life - a to-do list with no to-dos on it.  An empty to-do list is so strange that I add to my empty to-do list, find things to-do.  I consider adding, rotate which MLB hat to wear today, but that stretches the integrity of a to-do list just a little too far.  One through ten can be all those things I didn’t have time to do before…what were they?  Bowling may have been on the list, but bowling alone sounds pathetic.  Reconnect with friends, get in shape, read, go to church, be good…

Yeah, those are possibilities, but I now have plenty of time.  No rush.  Instead, after pouring myself a happy hour drink that doesn’t make me happy, I sit on the sofa, staring at my old TV, which is located next to my still unopened bible.  Around 6 PM I order food to be delivered, though I am not hungry.  The evening continues with me flipping through the channels until I go to bed early.

Saturday I clean the house a bit, buy some groceries, check the internet and pretty much repeat Friday evening’s schedule.  Sunday is particularly strange for it is the day I traditionally update my to-do list, organize the week, review production reports, work on presentations, pack clothes, send out forthcoming meeting reminders, and download boarding passes.  Needless to say, I do none of that.  Thank goodness there are sport games on television to occupy me.  Then I repeat the two prior evenings’ activities. 

Out loud to myself, I formally acknowledge that I am bored.  That took a whopping 3 days.

***

Anger/victimhood

He looked around at them with anger, for he was deeply grieved that they had closed their minds against him.

Mark 3:5

***

By Monday, I am less peeved at the universe for not entertaining me and angrier at, well, everything else.  First and foremost, at OFB firing me.  Resentful of those I deemed less hard working but still having a job.  No matter I generally like them, I am upset at their good fortune.  Annoyed at myself for not being better prepared.  Irritated at the idea of having to start over.  And just generally pissed off at everyone else for any reasons I have yet to mention.  I was the golden boy - no one actually said that, but they were maybe thinking it.   I am a victim of having done nothing wrong and much right.  In what universe is that fair?

Over the next couple days my mood leads to a full-on pity party – my recommendation is if you get invited, don’t go.  Feeling sorry for myself, I am tilting towards becoming a recluse.  To make it sound better, I rename it a monastic lifestyle.  Because this sounds spiritual, I open the bible before going to bed.  As luck would have it, the randomly selected page opens to Christ saying, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Mark 15:34) At least I am not the only one to have these emotions.

***

Job not offered

The Lord gave and the lord has taken away.  Job 1:21

***

My anxiety is held somewhat in check by an ace I have up my sleeve.  In the course of my travels, I met the CEO of an international investment conglomerate who wants to bring construction lending in house.  We stayed in touch, even had what could be considered several informal interviews.  Though I had no desire or reason to leave OFB, I kept the dialogue going just in case.  Well just in case happened.

Confident my resume speaks for itself; I envision a seamless transition to a high paying job that will double as the perfect revenge against Old First Bank.  I will relish in taking deals from OFB.  I will never need to tell my parents of the firing.  After some back-and-forth progress with the CEO, or what I assumed was progress, I receive a voice message from their HR representative, informing me that I did not get the job.  They are going with a different candidate.  The message ends cordially with, ‘thanks for applying.’ 

A life crushing humiliation announced via a voice message!  Up yours.  The news hits me like an anvil.  My legs buckle.  Kneeling in front of my TV, I cry.  I actually cry.  I am distraught.  To add insult to injury, the person they hire I know and quite frankly believe I am much superior to.  If I can’t get a job that I am eminently qualified for over a person I am superior to, what does the future hold for me? 

I begin an early happy hour by myself, again on the sofa watching TV.   Again, it isn’t so happy.

***

Imposter

You are the salt of the earth.  But what if salt goes flat?  How can you restore its flavor?  Then it is good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.  Matthew 5:13 

***

Avert your gaze. The rejection internally changes everything for me.  I am solidly a member of some unwanted subclass.  I start asking myself unanswerable questions.  The trouble is, once the answers tilt towards negative, there is no stopping from going further down the depressing rabbit hole.  Any optimism I had a day earlier is gone.  Impostor - that is who I am.  Not needed – that is what I am.  Useful – that is who I am not.

A friend once made the analogy of when a person leaves a company being equivalent to pulling your hand out of a bucket of water.  Water fills in behind as if the hand was never there.  Despite thinking I would be incalculably missed; reality is that others simply filled in as if I was never there.  If one needs confirmation of this fact, OFB not only let me go, they eliminated my job.  Seriously, how important could I have been when they don’t even need the position? 

From that day forward fear hangs over me and depression does what depression does best - it saps my remaining hope.  It surrounds me.  It exhausts me.  It convinces me I have no skills, no worth whatsoever - the list goes on.  Each morning my mental self-berating starts anew.  I tell myself all will be well, but will it really?  The stress is making me age in dog years – which unfortunately quickly gets me to retirement age without the requisite savings needed to retire.  I hide from others by not returning calls. 

Life is dark. 

***

Boring

He retired to a certain house and wanted no one to recognize him.  Mark 7:24

***

Time has stopped for I have no activity by which to measure the movement of time.  Many of the people I worked with live far away.  The few locals I am comfortable with are busy with jobs.  I am the only person my age not working.  It reminds me of when I was a kid who convinced Mom and Dad that I am too sick to go to school that day.  Thinking missing school would be like in the summer.  The joy lasts about 30 minutes before realizing it is boring because there are no other kids home.  Everyone is at school.  Same thing now, with the difference being I don’t experience 30 minutes of joy.  I am bored as soon as I wake.

I have a strict routine of doing nothing other than stay in the house, watch TV, surf the net and wait for my own personal happy hour.  The only people I talk with regularly are my parents.  Having mastered redirecting the conversation away from anything related to work, conversations revolve around weather, sports, their house and, well nothing else.  Last night the call ended early due to lack of anything new. 

I am no longer young, though still not old.  I have worked the majority of my life, yet I have not cultivated relationships with friends, hobbies, activities, or community outside of work.  I now serve the function of making everyone else’s life look better by comparison.  And succeeding.  It is painfully apparent how small my world has become.  There are better places to be, like anywhere else than here.  Since I see no one, do nothing and read nothing, I have nothing to talk about.  And then it strikes me.  My greatest fear realized.  Worse than being bored…I am boring. 

***

Bible

Anyone committed to the truth hears my voice.  John 18:37

***

I think about work often.  It was a big part of me.  I liked being the SVP, more I liked the image and it perks.  But even more I enjoyed the time when I was the team manager and the camaraderie with the people I worked with.  Those were good times. 

It would be wrong to say I put myself in this dilemma, and equally wrong to say I did not put myself in this dilemma by stop doing the very things that helped.  Which leads me to think about Catherine.  What would she have me do?  I don’t know.  Other than refer back to the source document, the bible.  She is gone, but I can at least read the bible in her honor.

Returning to my practice of those long-ago times, I again begin reading the bible – choosing random passages to read each day, right before happy hour.  While maybe not spiritually ideal, each passage appears poignant.  Many feel like warning shots across the bow.

•    Then all the disciples deserted him and fled. Matthew 26:56

•      I am not worthy.  Acts 13:25

•      Do not in spirit become quickly discontented, for the anger lodges in the bosom of a fool. Ecclesiastes 7:9

•      Before destruction the heart of man is proud, but before honor is humility. Proverbs: 18:12

In fairness, these were far from the only passages I happened upon, but they were the ones I wrote down.  Finally, in slurred desperation I say a prayer, ending with me begging ‘When?’  Then I read scripture, which include the exact time is not yours to know. (Acts 1:7): words I interpret as God responding.  Even if it is not the answer I wanted, knowing God is paying attention is comforting.   

***

Dominoes

The Lord is the tester of the heart.  Proverbs 17:3

***

Waking up inspired, deciding it is time to find a job, I read scripture early the following morning. Instead of learning the exact time, the passage is of how a poor widow’s small gift is greater than the larger gifts of others because They make contributions out of their surplus, but she from her want has given what she could not afford. (Luke 21:4) Nice thoughts, but useless for I have nothing of value to give.  Before I can fully digest it more, the orphaned customer from Arizona with the second project in Nebraska, calls.  Now this is not the first time he has called; I simply ignored all his recent calls because I never found a banker that could help.  Also, I won’t even be with the bank when the project starts.  Not my problem and even if I want to help, I can’t.  I have no authority.  Oh well. 

My inclination is to again not answer, but the words of scripture tell me to take the call.  Which I do, ultimately saying to the customer, ‘I will try to help, but no promises.’

To my surprise, the customer is not upset.  Saying I am the only one who answered.  That he understands.  Thank you and that he trusts me.

I really wish he did not say he trusts me.  I am not sure I trust myself.  But a commitment is a commitment, so I do start calling bankers again trying to find a home for the deal.  The results are the same negative responses – too busy, the deal does not fit, try so & so, it is over my head, and more excuses.  There really is no one.

Yet I continue to call which causes a mini-domino effect.   When I was first laid off, many people reached out to me for direction on various topics from construction deals to personnel.  But those issues were either resolved or bankers have found different sources of advice.  Whatever the reason, they stopped calling me; and I stopped calling them.

Now that I am calling again, bankers are again calling me.  Not on the Arizona customer necessarily, but wanting advice and direction on other deals.  Bankers call that I do not know.  I do my best and enjoy helping, even if nothing happens.  When there is success, it is a bit of a confidence boost, which convinces me I do have something to offer. 

***

Health Benefits

Surely God cannot act wickedly. Job 34:12

***

It is said, ‘If you want something done, ask a busy person.’  I am finding this true, for I am not busy, I have nothing to do and I have done nothing, including open a large packet from OFB that arrived last week.  But in all fairness, it has been on my to-do list that entire time with other unaccomplished tasks like paying my electric bill, read a book, update my resume, and start my own Fortune 500 company.  Yesterday I finally read through it.  It is a lot of legalese about my severance.  Mostly boilerplate information.  It thanked me for my time with the bank, then asked me to sign a disclaimer that I won’t sue the bank claiming their actions are unjust. 

It also reads that to ensure that my health benefits continue uninterrupted I must sign and return one of the many enclosed forms by day 30.  Today is day 30.  To do so requires me walking the signed forms to the office - today.  I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the image…not the SVP I saw just last month.  I don’t like that the mirror is reflecting back an older person than I remember.  A little bedraggled.  I haven’t slept well the past couple nights.  Definitely tired.  All reasons for ensuring I keep my health benefits uninterrupted.

It has been 6 straight days without leaving the house.  Heck with it. I got to do it.  I shower before noon.  Wearing a collared shirt, long pants and shoes with socks.  Business casual they call it.  I haven’t dressed like this in a while.  Even when I did work at the bank, I wore slacks, coats and ties.  Image is important, people expect that of an SVP.  But I am not going to give OFB the courtesy of wearing my best.  I don’t feel entirely comfortable in business casual either, as if the clothes are a bit constricting; tight in places.  Maybe the dryer heat is too high causing shrinkage. 

I leave my condo, half expecting tumbleweeds to be rolling down the streets of Denver.  Alas, not the case.  There are people going to and from parts everywhere.  The world did not stop with my absence.  Dang.  Everyone at headquarters is nice.  Dang.  It would be easier disliking them if they were snotty and condescending.  HR directs me to honest to goodness resources for everything from emotional well-being to job search.  And they are sincere in their caring.

While there, I get a call.  It is Mom.  I don’t really want to answer it.  What am I going to say, ‘Yeah, I forgot to mention I no longer have a job and I am here with HR finalizing my unworthiness.’  Nonetheless, I take it. 

‘Dad is in the hospital.  Tom, please come home.  Hurry.’

In an instant, all the things I was obsessing about suddenly seemed meaningless.